Float

One year ago, I was in the midst of a heartbreaking family upset, which has not subsided.

One year ago, I was in the midst of someone else’s heartbreaking family upset. That never subsided either.

One year ago, my teachers and my healers were amazed at the growth and progress I was making.

This year, today, this morning, I am in the midst of my own upset, and the sadness just won’t stop pouring in.

My teachers and healers are saddened to see the work that I had been doing laid to waste. I am “clearly not myself” or at least not the regal and exquisite self I was on the way to uncovering.

Sadness comes in waves, and I surf them as best as I can. When I am not on my board, I am swimming, but I am not the strongest swimmer, so I continue to be swept into the undertow.

It’s overwhelming.

I am not sure where I will go when I get back to shore. I thought I was ready for this ride.

Clearly I am not.

I brought too much stuff.

My baggage is too heavy.

I have worn the captain out, who got on the boat expecting that I was going to be a good deck hand.

Clearly I am not.

He didn’t know I had so much shit. It’s heavy.

What do you do when you got on a boat with confidence and assurance, went far far far out to sea, and once out there, all of the skills you thought you had are lost in a storm?

I keep praying for the skills.

They haven’t come.

I am throwing my shit off the boat as fast as I can. It just doesn’t seem to be fast enough.

I start again, and delve through the cabinets, there must be a book, or a manual somewhere that tells me how the fuck to drive this thing.

I can’t find it.

The waters are getting choppy again, and I just don’t know how to steer the boat.

I would call for help but I am too proud.

That will be my end.

When I float back to shore, they will all say, “I don’t understand why she didn’t ask for help.”

I don’t know why I don’t ask for it.

It’s all my shit, so, it just doesn’t feel right to ask for help.

Back to prayers.

back to prayers.

I just wish I could trust that they even work anymore.

The sun is coming up.

Float Rach. See where you end up…