One year ago, I was in the midst of a heartbreaking family upset, which has not subsided.

One year ago, I was in the midst of someone else’s heartbreaking family upset. That never subsided either.

One year ago, my teachers and my healers were amazed at the growth and progress I was making.

This year, today, this morning, I am in the midst of my own upset, and the sadness just won’t stop pouring in.

My teachers and healers are saddened to see the work that I had been doing laid to waste. I am “clearly not myself” or at least not the regal and exquisite self I was on the way to uncovering.

Sadness comes in waves, and I surf them as best as I can. When I am not on my board, I am swimming, but I am not the strongest swimmer, so I continue to be swept into the undertow.

It’s overwhelming.

I am not sure where I will go when I get back to shore. I thought I was ready for this ride.

Clearly I am not.

I brought too much stuff.

My baggage is too heavy.

I have worn the captain out, who got on the boat expecting that I was going to be a good deck hand.

Clearly I am not.

He didn’t know I had so much shit. It’s heavy.

What do you do when you got on a boat with confidence and assurance, went far far far out to sea, and once out there, all of the skills you thought you had are lost in a storm?

I keep praying for the skills.

They haven’t come.

I am throwing my shit off the boat as fast as I can. It just doesn’t seem to be fast enough.

I start again, and delve through the cabinets, there must be a book, or a manual somewhere that tells me how the fuck to drive this thing.

I can’t find it.

The waters are getting choppy again, and I just don’t know how to steer the boat.

I would call for help but I am too proud.

That will be my end.

When I float back to shore, they will all say, “I don’t understand why she didn’t ask for help.”

I don’t know why I don’t ask for it.

It’s all my shit, so, it just doesn’t feel right to ask for help.

Back to prayers.

back to prayers.

I just wish I could trust that they even work anymore.

The sun is coming up.

Float Rach. See where you end up…


3 thoughts on “Float

  1. Rachel, are you o.k.???XXOOOKathleen remember, it’s mercury retograde, sometimes it helps to know the universe, eric francis can help us navigate. Let me know if you’re o.k. or is the blog ???I don’t understand the fb yet.

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