One year ago, I was in the midst of a heartbreaking family upset, which has not subsided.
One year ago, I was in the midst of someone else’s heartbreaking family upset. That never subsided either.
One year ago, my teachers and my healers were amazed at the growth and progress I was making.
This year, today, this morning, I am in the midst of my own upset, and the sadness just won’t stop pouring in.
My teachers and healers are saddened to see the work that I had been doing laid to waste. I am “clearly not myself” or at least not the regal and exquisite self I was on the way to uncovering.
Sadness comes in waves, and I surf them as best as I can. When I am not on my board, I am swimming, but I am not the strongest swimmer, so I continue to be swept into the undertow.
I am not sure where I will go when I get back to shore. I thought I was ready for this ride.
Clearly I am not.
I brought too much stuff.
My baggage is too heavy.
I have worn the captain out, who got on the boat expecting that I was going to be a good deck hand.
Clearly I am not.
He didn’t know I had so much shit. It’s heavy.
What do you do when you got on a boat with confidence and assurance, went far far far out to sea, and once out there, all of the skills you thought you had are lost in a storm?
I keep praying for the skills.
They haven’t come.
I am throwing my shit off the boat as fast as I can. It just doesn’t seem to be fast enough.
I start again, and delve through the cabinets, there must be a book, or a manual somewhere that tells me how the fuck to drive this thing.
I can’t find it.
The waters are getting choppy again, and I just don’t know how to steer the boat.
I would call for help but I am too proud.
That will be my end.
When I float back to shore, they will all say, “I don’t understand why she didn’t ask for help.”
I don’t know why I don’t ask for it.
It’s all my shit, so, it just doesn’t feel right to ask for help.
Back to prayers.
back to prayers.
I just wish I could trust that they even work anymore.
The sun is coming up.
Float Rach. See where you end up…