There was once a time when my heart was tethered…..
This last year has been one of the hardest ones yet.
And for some reason the last few years I began to wonder if something was wrong with me for not settling down.
As I watched myself mutate into a typical woman with insecurities and much to cleanse…
I should have listened the first time we broke up, when he told me he was afraid of opening his heart.
I loved him, so I ignored that part when we tried again.
But he never opened his heart, he just kept saying “I love you.”
And I just kept deluding myself.
So anyway, Just before our year anniversary, I had a dream.
A lover of mine, one of the biggest thickest tightly woven heartstrings…… woke me from a dream, in the dream, he circled me, looking, into my guts like he always did, took an assesment, looked me dead in the eye, and asked me if I was happy in that relationship.
And the answer was no.
I listened to him, and myself, and tried to let it go with grace, but my grace was long out the window.
And we walked away, Not holding hands.
The first relationship in my life where I didn’t walk away holding hands.
I finally understand the meaning of the word break-up…
I like to keep my lovers on deck, a good friend, a good hug, or a good fuck when the time arises, lovers are not to be broken up with, the chapter just changes.
But I realized that as much as he encouraged me, he held me back,
Why is any of this poignant?
Probably, none of it is….
But I stopped writing here, I stopped a lot of things in that relationship….
And I didn’t really want to.
So in walks my favorite lover to question my current relationship, and he was right to question it.
After the dream, the work was done.
And I began to recall that connection that began 20 years ago, how he taught me about relationships and love in a way I had not explored.
He cut through bullshit hard and fast, he loved with complete passion and unbridled sexual devourment.
And when we seperated, I held him in high esteem.
So 20 years later, with only a couple of magical interludes over the years, he calls me up! Out of the blue inviting me back.
I asked myself, am I ready for the lesson in this one?
FUCK YEAH, I got on a plane, headed west with my expansion on my mind….