There was once a time when my heart was tethered…..
Like spokes in a wheel…. I had heartstrings out all over the place.
And one by one I have been cutting them.
Last summer, I cut chord after chord, and let go of damn, I cannot even count how many Johns, a few interesting named ones, but funny to see a lot of Johns have held my heart in my career.

This last year has been one of the hardest ones yet.
For my whole life I have felt that my independence held me firm, and I loved that I would rather a nice young 20 year old than a mixed up tangled up “adult” relationship.

And for some reason the last few years I began to wonder if something was wrong with me for not settling down.
Suddenly I wanted a “Partner”
And so I manifested one.
He was beautiful, fun, funny, sexy, juicy and totally into being a partner.
So I thought.

As I watched myself mutate into a typical woman with insecurities and much to cleanse…
Suddenly, I was in a relationship where I was called to look all of my insecurities in the face.

I should have listened the first time we broke up, when he told me he was afraid of opening his heart.

I loved him, so I ignored that part when we tried again.

But he never opened his heart, he just kept saying “I love you.”

And I just kept deluding myself.

So anyway, Just before our year anniversary, I had a dream.

A lover of mine, one of the biggest thickest tightly woven heartstrings…… woke me from a dream, in the dream, he circled me, looking, into my guts like he always did, took an assesment, looked me dead in the eye, and asked me if I was happy in that relationship.

And the answer was no.

I listened to him, and myself, and tried to let it go with grace, but my grace was long out the window.
The boyfriend used callous and mean directed shots to my guts, heart and creativity as his way out. Leaving me standing pretty naked with my shit on the table.

And we walked away, Not holding hands.

The first relationship in my life where I didn’t walk away holding hands.

I finally understand the meaning of the word break-up…
It is not fun.

I like to keep my lovers on deck, a good friend, a good hug, or a good fuck when the time arises, lovers are not to be broken up with, the chapter just changes.

But I realized that as much as he encouraged me, he held me back,
the slight little remarks about my inefficiencies, and the competitiveness took me for a loop, and we were breaking up.

Why is any of this poignant?


Probably, none of it is….

But I stopped writing here, I stopped a lot of things in that relationship….

And I didn’t really want to.

So in walks my favorite lover to question my current relationship, and he was right to question it.

After the dream, the work was done.

And I began to recall that connection that began 20 years ago, how he taught me about relationships and love in a way I had not explored.
no strings, no trips, no guts out for display, we went in, and held place, and held eachother, and expansion was a together operation.

He cut through bullshit hard and fast, he loved with complete passion and unbridled sexual devourment.

And when we seperated, I held him in high esteem.
He was the bar.

So 20 years later, with only a couple of magical interludes over the years, he calls me up! Out of the blue inviting me back.

I asked myself, am I ready for the lesson in this one?
do I have the ability to take this from the past, through a dream into my now??
Am I ready for the rest of the teaching?

FUCK YEAH, I got on a plane, headed west with my expansion on my mind….


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