Life has been more full this winter with cold and wintery moments, I am not really sure I can take much more.
And I am not talking about the snow. It really has been a winter of discontent. I decide that that is a double entandre… A cold and desolate winter full of hard times. And then, I would rather the latter… The “winter” of our discontent… Can this be the end of the discontent please?
I am so ready for the spring of our fulfillment!
I have been recently called upon to step into situations where it is clear that I am seen as an enemy. It has been my smile that would hopefully shed the truth; which is that I am not an enemy. If nothing better, let that smile act as my shield from the hatred aimed in my direction.
It is really a strange phenomena to stand in front of some one who hates me with such passion and reverence for said hatred. Almost as though this person uses that hatred to stay alive.
I was thinking the other day, How come clarity is sometimes found in rage? I wonder if the hatred for me actually brings clarity to that woman’s world? And why would that be so?
And then, as I almost always do, I looked at it from the perspective of my trusty Abraham-Hicks Philosophy, and it all made sense.
If someone feels powerless to the truth, or the reality that is their life, and then they find a moment of rage, they are lifted, actually transported out of the haze and into something bright and shiny. Anger. It is a bright and shily new penny after the dark veil of depression and powerlessness.
Only thing is, it is toxic to fluctuate between depression and rage. You gotta use the rage to climb higher, or else it will kill you.
And so, when I feel the hatred and rage that someone is directing at me, I am teaching myself to be thankful for that rage. because I can use it as wrathful medicine. I know it sounds strange, but let me try to make some sense of it.
If Anger is a step up the emotional scale from depression=powerlessness, and can indeed be a bridge to softer more promising emotions, then why can’t the anger directed toward me be a tool as well? In Aikido, the practitioner is to use the energy coming toward them as their finest tool. If someone is coming at me and I stand firm, they will inevitably bash into me, and we will both get injured. But if they are raging toward me and I step aside and give them a little extra shove in the direction they were headed, I avoid the injury.
Makes sense. So I am working on the Aikido of energy.
I thought I needed to learn how to “kill her with kindness,” but actually I just need to let her kill herself with her own momentum.
It has been kind of fun in general. The last few times I have had to be in her presence, I’ve matched her fake with saccharine. It felt rather exhilarating to have the ability to stand in front of her and smile real big, knowing that she was seething inside, unable to get me at what she assumes is my own game. ‘But it’s your game sweet lady, you are the one playing a game. I’m not playing.”
But this last time I saw her. I think she was mistaking my kindness for weakness, and I have this real Lionesque thing about coming off the weak one. My vulnerability shown and I went into Rage myself. I didn’t send her running past me to hit her own wall. I beed the wall.
It was like hitting a wall of bricks. For both of us!
Anyway, Imagine a woman… scorned, rejected cast out, and abandoned… Anyone who would stand in the way of her coming back home would be an enemy yes?
I just came back to my own home… Into the arms of my beloved. And all was well. I feel pretty lucky.
Please excuse the discombobulated sharing this morning. It’s been quite a week!
I love how you write. It makes me wish that I would make more time in my life to exercise some means of expression like writing or painting… one thing at a time, i guess. I miss you and izak a lot. hope to see you again soon. stay well and keep writing. it is Great!!! love you