the beauty that is erupting, and glowing and moving through my life right now is immensely tactile.
People, places, energies…
I had an experience a little less than a week ago, where I felt myself tapping into a source, a wellspring of spirit-connected music, that of one of my favorite songwriters of all time, and as I embraced the beauty of the music, and pondered who wrote it… I felt less afraid of…. myself.
It was soothing to hear his words, and to begin to know that inside me are similar gifts.
So when i got home, the quintessential songwriter next to Bob Dylan in my book wrote me an email~ while I was pondering the thought that he may just be one of the clearest expressions of “god” in music today.
It is not such a surprise that he emailed me, we have been having a very minimal exchange on myspace for a couple of years, but shit…. I’ve been staying out of his hair, He’s god right?
Well, god called me the other day in the form of Shamsi Ruhe (the brilliant), And she said, “Rachel, make songs, You are amazing. Make songs!”
then God emailed me and said… “Write me.”
So I did.
I didn’t really know what to write, I just began with telling the synchronicity of my plunging into his song, and then finding the email…
Well, when I got going, I found myself tearing out my guts and putting them into this email and sending it off!
I told him about my fears, my hopes, my dreams (even the ones that included him)….
I told him everything in my musical fear closet.
I told him of my fantasies to make songs with him..
And then I felt like a shoe. A shoe on the floor after you kick it off and wonder how the hell it made it all the way under the couch…
yeah, that shoe.
What the hell?
Could I erase a sent message? could I have been such a freak to send this man, who I call “god” all of my hopes and fears and dreams?
Yes.. I was! still am… Such a freak.. and boy am I glad!
He wrote back.
and shared with me, something more intimate than I could ever have imagined or hoped for or dreamed of.
He gave me the permission to just write, and sing, and be, and love…. He gave me gifts, tactile and spirit filled. He reached out, across this continent and embraced me with gifts.
and I cherish them with everything I have ever cherished in song.
He gave me inspiration. and strength, and love and…. trust.
I have songs… they are coming through me, and I am not so scared of them anymore. I am not so afraid of what another might think of them, I am loving knowing that I can give them to me. I can embrace the part of me that I have been fearful of.
I have gifts that I have been ignoring for some time. And i am not going to take them for granted anymore.
I have teachers, and students, and lovers and friends, and songs, and trust and generosity, and faith, and expansion and love and community, and music, and amazing family, chosen and blood. I have a roof over my head, and love in my heart. I have a beautiful son and wonderful home.
I have so many gifts that I cannot begin to appreciate enough.
But I will.
as best I can.
As my friend Sheri has been reminding me… Tell a new story, the one you wish to see…
My friend Scott reminded me a few weeks ago.. to tell the story how i want it.
Just to say it in those words seems silly, but, with all of the Abraham work, how could I not just take it that simply?
Tell the new story, and direct the flow of energy into the right places.
Well, It is as if I don’t even need to write a new story, it is being written for me!
This facebook thing, just like every other internet communication device has been a teacher for me.
Years of energy experimentation with online dating allowed me to notice the swiftness of energy vs matter… Well, there, on facebook, the energy is flowing so fast through those wires it isn’t even funny!
When I went to school… I was less than.
in my mind.
I was not White, in a world of pasty whites, I was one of the three kids of color in the WHOLE ELEMENTARY, if not the only one.
By the time I got to High school, I had been sufficiently beaten down by the drudgery of not being enough, stylish, pretty, strong, athletic, smart etc…
Like most kids entering middle school, I was a ball of insecurity.
But no one knew it.
I had created a nice high wall around me to stave off the insults, about my afro, my eyebrows (they were fuzzy) whatever it was.
I had built a wall of Smug.
I knew in my heart of hearts that I was somehow better than those who, I thought, chose to bring me down,
but… I still had this block that kept me from seeing my outer beauty. I couldn’t see their fear, I just knew my own… if only I had known their insecurities…
there were blondes, there were brunettes, there were designer jeans, there were cliques, there were cruel people, and there were the few friends who I held on to for dear life at times…
Some of those friends were typical beauties… I was not.
Most of those friends did not trust their inner beauty the way I clung to mine. They saw themselves as inferior to me, because, well, they had not even begun to touch their spirit… They were stuck in “pretty,”
And it bothered them that I was so okay inside.. Or so they thought.
Yes, I grew up at a kitchen table where spirit was the topic of conversation every night, yes, I worked in a metaphysical bookstore, and knew who Alice bailey was before I knew who ET was… Sure I was centered and full of reason and advice… I was doing so much work behind my wall, I was only becoming more intimidating as i expanded.
But I still didn’t trust my physical beauty.
I was judging that part of me by the reflection in the mirror of fear and prejudice..
I remember having the biggest crush on Shannon Ryan.. Oh my god I think I loved him. I will never forget the day that I got on the bus, it had been a couple days, I was out sick, or away or something…. I sat down with my best friend Angie, we rode to school like any other day… no big news, no tales to tell since I had been gone, just any other day.
Until we got to our lockers… There was Shannon. Waiting. For her.
My guts were swirling as they did every time I saw him. But he leaned his tall neck in and kissed her.
She had neglected to tell me that while I was gone, that she had landed the one guy I wanted.
The one guy SHE KNEW I wanted.
And it was off.
I never put my eggs into the basket of a high school guy again.
Sure, I was turned on, I had the occasional crush, or the occasional make-out buddy at the end of a Kegger…
But I never let myself feel much for a guy all through High school…
I didn’t realize then that my friends felt inferior themselves.. They measured their inner beauty against mine, and felt small. so they took what they had, and trusted, and showed me, just how beautiful they were.
I was a mess. For a while.
but I pulled it in, I plunged down the path of self knowing, and introspection,
I got as far away from the reindeer games as I could, emotionally anyway… and I took my little nose so bright, and I buried it in books.
and I smoked a hell of a lot of herb.
Blah blah blah, I went on to get the hell out of here, and moved to California as soon as school was over.
I found a different perspective on myself, and began to notice my physical beauty in a new mirror… I had my first relationships, I felt love, I danced, I expanded, I grew… i came to see a new me..
When I got back to this tiny little god forsaken town…
I found that those who knew me smaller and insecure, had a hard time understanding me.
My best friend spent large investments on proving that I was small, publicly embarrassing me, etc…
I went elsewhere, formed a new group of friends, made a new scene, and as soon as i established it, she rolled up and yep, again, she landed the guy I liked…
I got it then. She looked so small and helpless, she felt so unworthy beside me, and she knew no other way.
This pattern of Rach finding some ground and losing it had been one I rode on for some time.
But I got off that bus with that one.
My life has come so far since then… I have expanded past that in the last 20 years…
But wow, throw me on facebook, and watch it all come rushing back!
It has been more than a return to High school, it has been quite the opposite… I have been peeking in, taking glimpses, but, My measurements come from inside at this point in my evolution.
I feel pretty great here, in me now.
And then Last week I had the epiphany…
Sure, I could have been introduced to some product, but, Um…
I was not ugly!
I actually thought that I had grown better with age.
As if, I was ugly then, but I have grown to be the beautiful being that I am now…
But suddenly, it was all bullshit… ALL bullshit.
When I look at these photographs on facebook of my teenagehood, I have no choice to admit that I was wrong.
And… When I look at these photos, not only am I not Ugly, but half of the girls I thought were hot, were NOT, and Definitely are not now… And whew! What about the guys I found to be so attractive? they were hot then, but shit… Not so much now… many of them are drunks or junkies, as are some of those girls I measured myself against.
So… What you are telling me Rach is that You were not ugly then, you are not ugly now, you were spiritually rich then, and you are spiritually rich now?
all of the justified insecurities you have clung to for the last 30 some odd years WERE ALL BULLSHIT!?!?!?!?
That is huge.
Where that has brought me, here, now in this day…
One of the most beautiful places I have ever been,
In my relationships, with others, and with myself…
As a parent, as a lover, as a writer, as a musician, as a manifestress…
EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT.
Yes, my dear inspiring friends Sherri and Scott… You are so write, it is all in how you tell the story.
So I am going to tell a story, and hold it in my center.
Abundance is my right, beauty is my being, the world is open to me and to my bliss, and I am a valuable loving exquisite enrichment to this ever expanding universe…
I am ready.
And you know what?
For the first time in my life, ever, I have spent the last week without a single ounce, or inkling of insecurity.
And it feels like a million bucks.
Life is beautiful, and we get to have it.
Tell the good stuff. ..
I leave you with a Haiku I wrote a few weeks ago:
go back in time
bring the good stuff into now
enjoy it for life
You write as beautiful as you look and are. We were all punks fighting for a position in life. Young and scared, we made our way the best we knew. Well, maybe. Sorry if I was one of those asshole, of course I was. I’m MUCH better NOW! Well,……maybe?
As a child my mother would always tell me “you are a unique, unrepeatable miracle of God.” she would then go on to point out that everyone passing on the street shared that trait, which did not diminish any of us. thank the stars above, she was right.